Shy Child

Q. Dear Bracha,

Both my husband and I are more on the introverted side. We have two children, aged 6 and 3 and I am noticing that they too shy away from social interactions and prefer to play by themselves. Is there anything that I do now, when my children are young to help them feel more at ease in group situations?

A. Yes!! Absolutely! You have hit on a point that slides under the radar for most parents who have introverted children. It is true that being introverted is partly genetic, but a lot of our ability in the social skills is learned and learned very young! The best thing you can do for your children is be very active at having children over for them to play with and getting them over to friend's houses. Try to do this several times a week. You will quickly note who they are comfortable interacting with and that is your goal as those children that they "parallel" play with are not teaching them the skills they need. We learn by doing, the younger they start interacting with their peers, the more skills and confidence they will have. Hopefully this will lead to an increased comfort with others and more success in making friends!

I have been asked by concerned parents if there is anything they can do, ideas from role playing to finding games that may be helpful. To all these well intentioned methods I feel that I must answer no, as this is really taking up precious resources of parent’s limited time with very poor results. Your children are far better off with actual practice in a safe setting in which they feel secure, such as your home or a friend’s house, that they have shown they are comfortable in. However, if there is a “bump” in the road parents are very instrumental in supporting children during these tough times. One of the most powerful ways to help your child deal with emotions involved in socializing with others is to relate a similar real life situation that you went through. Please remember to relate how you felt without globalizing or projecting your feelings on to your child. IE “everyone who goes through this feels” or “I’m sure you also feel…”. Try to end your story on an upbeat note, leaving your child with a positive and encouraging outlook on this experience. In my experience, shy children are often more aware of the emotional sensitivity of others and feel these emotions more readily themselves. In context of socializing it may mean they have more difficulties, but it also has a tenancy to help them become sensitive mature adults. Wishing you and your family all the best! - Bracha